Giving Thanks

This Thanksgiving morning I walked into the corner store to get some milk and the guy working there asked me what my plans were for the holiday. I replied that I wasn’t doing the “family thing” this year and my baby and I would probably get dressed up and go out for a nice meal.  He said, “That sounds cool.  I’m unfortunately doing the family thing.  In my culture, it would be considered extremely disrespectful not to go to the family dinner.”  To which I replied, “I’m pretty sure that goes for every culture.  Anyway, I’m hoping to be considered ‘dead to the family’ after this holiday season.”  We both laughed our asses off.  Today, I am giving thanks that I don’t have to eat the same fucking food that my family brings every year.  The cheap shrimp.  The pretzel/jello thing my step mom makes every year.  The thought of even seeing it makes me cringe.  The dry turkey and the warm and serve rolls.  …The bacon and cream cheese wreath I might actually miss, but, not that much.  I am giving thanks that I don’t have to listen to my grandmother talk about her toilet issues, or my dad talk about how much he is unwilling to work, while my step mother huffs and sighs over how much of a loser he is.  I am very thankful for the much needed vacation Jacob and I got to take this summer.  We walked to the beach every single day and had so much fun in the sun.  I even had a taste of what romance feels like for a moment.  Picture me holding up my silken gown so the gentle waves didn’t get it wet.  The round pebbles under my feet felt like they were all the same size.  I saw the Milky Way for the first time in my life and was shocked and amazed while my friend waited and watched me with pleasure on the secluded beachside under the moonlit sky.  I am thankful that we have friends who allow us to live in their home while I’m trying to rebuild our foundation.  I’m thankful for the November breeze that is so mild it makes the bare trees more tolerable.  I’m thankful for the first snow.  The flakes were huge and covered the trees.  I sat on an old bench, put my head back and just let them fall and melt on my face.  It was very spiritual for me and I felt like I was bathing in the light of Melancholia.  I’m thankful for the positive feelings that inspired me to write in this blog.  Most of all, I am thankful for Jacob and the fact that someday he will be able to read this and know that he is what kept me going during my time of loss when all I wanted to do was lay alone in the dark.  I love you so much Jacob and Mom is going to make life as good as it can get, I promise you.

Jacob Fact #14: Jacob’s favorite movies are Spirited Away, Ponyo, and Coraline.

 Canoeing on the Clinton River with Stephanie                                                   and Sullivan Wood.

 Picking apples in the back yard.

I found him hiding in the hammock with his popsicle.  He's                                                                   wearing the tshirt I made him at the Ferndale DIY Festival.

 He was Pikachu for Halloween:)

 Two years and three months old.

AwFuck!

Remember when I said I was a lazy bitch?  ..I lied. I’m pretty much the hardest working bitch I know, but to no avail my life came crashing down.  Deven and Conor haven’t talked to me for a long time.  And Jacob and I have moved to my Grandmother’s house because I lost my job.  He got too big to bring to the office.  I have been contacted by the City of Detroit and the University of Michigan about interviews, but I have no one to watch Jacob.  I can’t get daycare from DHS without a job and I can’t get a job without daycare.  I have not been able to get unemployment either.  Ugh.  It’s very frustrating. Anyway, Jacob loves the new living arrangement.  He gets all my attention and we go for a bike ride every day along the Clinton River and feed the baby geese and play at many parks in the area.  The people surrounding us have been very friendly, which is a remarkable change of pace, and the children in the area, so far, don’t seem to have any fucked up issues that cause me to lock my baby in a tower. 

Being isolated from my kids has been heart wrenching.  When I emptied out the apartment, I just held their things to my chest and howled. Day by day, I would pack a little more from each of their rooms.  The whole situation is unhealthy for all of us.  Jacob would come and sit in my lap and say “Deven, Conor where are youuuuu?”  I have never cried so many tears in my life.  I hope they come back to us soon.  Legal Aid told me I should seek therapy for this “ongoing domestic violence.”  Tsh.

Jacob’s second birthday came and went without so much as a birthday cake and two candles.  He didn’t care though; he doesn’t even like cake. He got the usual gift shop trash from his father, which is exactly where it went.. in the trash.  He has been making regular payments though so he gets mad props for that.  Actually, he doesn't get props because he doesn't talk to me.  Oh well.  On Jacob’s birthday, we sat outside the apartment with a gallon of ice cream and Adventure Time plates and served all the little mongrels that live there.  My friend Bill came and brought some cute gifts and Jacob had lots of fun.

Things at my grandmother’s house have gotten much easier.  Everyone gets along and if I’m not off somewhere with Jacob, I’m working in the yard or drawing on the sidewalk.  She has the prettiest gardens in the whole place.  I even scrubbed her fence and made it beaming white again.  Any doubts she had in the beginning about her decision to let us in are gone.

Me: “Wow Grandma your hair looks great! Sue did a very nice job.”

Papa: “Oooh boy. She’s complimenting Grandma’s hair. She must want something.  Ok, what is it that you want hmmm?”

Me: “Do I look like a man to you?”

Grandma: “Huh! You walked right into that one dear.” 

And that is the tone of the home, plus lots of tender moments.  Jacob loves to tease his Papa.  He will get in his chair so he gets “yelled” at.  He also likes to withhold hugs and be an all-around tease.  He steals Grandma’s pink slippers and wears them around the house.  My grandparents are very sympathetic to my situation and I am very sympathetic to theirs, which would be the woes of growing old and not being physically fit.  At all. I'm doing everything I can to make positive changes around the home, but I am worried about Jacob's attachment to my grandparents.  We won't be living here forever and he already lost his brothers.  I have such horrible attachment issues.  I don't want him to suffer like I do.

Jacob and I are planning our first vacation this month.  My mother promised to get us plane tickets to go see my sister in Massachusetts who is having a baby on the 22^nd.  Fingers crossed that mom comes through on this one. 

Jacob Fact #13: His first swear word is "aw fuck" and he uses it in the correct context like when he drops food on the floor or something.  I'm sorry, I think it's hilarious.. 

 At Nickels Arcade

  Up in a tree at Tony "Big Daddy" Marshall's funeral.

  Union Lake

  One of two bike trails we take.

  Happy Kiddo:)

Almost Twosies!

So much has happened since the last time I blogged. Life with Jacob has been a magnanimous blessing.  Every day I hope that I am doing the right thing for him.  I thank the heavens for his laugh his smiling eyes and his sense of humor.  He keeps me happy no matter what is going on in my life.  I wish I had more time to blog and brag about all of his amazing moments. In the mean time, feel free to look us up on Instagram.  I’m a lazy bitch so sue me.

MORNING_BELLL

Jacob Fact#12   He loves wearing my boots.

 Toddler selfie

 His first icicle discovery.