Giving Thanks

This Thanksgiving morning I walked into the corner store to get some milk and the guy working there asked me what my plans were for the holiday. I replied that I wasn’t doing the “family thing” this year and my baby and I would probably get dressed up and go out for a nice meal.  He said, “That sounds cool.  I’m unfortunately doing the family thing.  In my culture, it would be considered extremely disrespectful not to go to the family dinner.”  To which I replied, “I’m pretty sure that goes for every culture.  Anyway, I’m hoping to be considered ‘dead to the family’ after this holiday season.”  We both laughed our asses off.  Today, I am giving thanks that I don’t have to eat the same fucking food that my family brings every year.  The cheap shrimp.  The pretzel/jello thing my step mom makes every year.  The thought of even seeing it makes me cringe.  The dry turkey and the warm and serve rolls.  …The bacon and cream cheese wreath I might actually miss, but, not that much.  I am giving thanks that I don’t have to listen to my grandmother talk about her toilet issues, or my dad talk about how much he is unwilling to work, while my step mother huffs and sighs over how much of a loser he is.  I am very thankful for the much needed vacation Jacob and I got to take this summer.  We walked to the beach every single day and had so much fun in the sun.  I even had a taste of what romance feels like for a moment.  Picture me holding up my silken gown so the gentle waves didn’t get it wet.  The round pebbles under my feet felt like they were all the same size.  I saw the Milky Way for the first time in my life and was shocked and amazed while my friend waited and watched me with pleasure on the secluded beachside under the moonlit sky.  I am thankful that we have friends who allow us to live in their home while I’m trying to rebuild our foundation.  I’m thankful for the November breeze that is so mild it makes the bare trees more tolerable.  I’m thankful for the first snow.  The flakes were huge and covered the trees.  I sat on an old bench, put my head back and just let them fall and melt on my face.  It was very spiritual for me and I felt like I was bathing in the light of Melancholia.  I’m thankful for the positive feelings that inspired me to write in this blog.  Most of all, I am thankful for Jacob and the fact that someday he will be able to read this and know that he is what kept me going during my time of loss when all I wanted to do was lay alone in the dark.  I love you so much Jacob and Mom is going to make life as good as it can get, I promise you.

Jacob Fact #14: Jacob’s favorite movies are Spirited Away, Ponyo, and Coraline.

 Canoeing on the Clinton River with Stephanie                                                   and Sullivan Wood.

 Picking apples in the back yard.

I found him hiding in the hammock with his popsicle.  He's                                                                   wearing the tshirt I made him at the Ferndale DIY Festival.

 He was Pikachu for Halloween:)

 Two years and three months old.

AwFuck!

Remember when I said I was a lazy bitch?  ..I lied. I’m pretty much the hardest working bitch I know, but to no avail my life came crashing down.  Deven and Conor haven’t talked to me for a long time.  And Jacob and I have moved to my Grandmother’s house because I lost my job.  He got too big to bring to the office.  I have been contacted by the City of Detroit and the University of Michigan about interviews, but I have no one to watch Jacob.  I can’t get daycare from DHS without a job and I can’t get a job without daycare.  I have not been able to get unemployment either.  Ugh.  It’s very frustrating. Anyway, Jacob loves the new living arrangement.  He gets all my attention and we go for a bike ride every day along the Clinton River and feed the baby geese and play at many parks in the area.  The people surrounding us have been very friendly, which is a remarkable change of pace, and the children in the area, so far, don’t seem to have any fucked up issues that cause me to lock my baby in a tower. 

Being isolated from my kids has been heart wrenching.  When I emptied out the apartment, I just held their things to my chest and howled. Day by day, I would pack a little more from each of their rooms.  The whole situation is unhealthy for all of us.  Jacob would come and sit in my lap and say “Deven, Conor where are youuuuu?”  I have never cried so many tears in my life.  I hope they come back to us soon.  Legal Aid told me I should seek therapy for this “ongoing domestic violence.”  Tsh.

Jacob’s second birthday came and went without so much as a birthday cake and two candles.  He didn’t care though; he doesn’t even like cake. He got the usual gift shop trash from his father, which is exactly where it went.. in the trash.  He has been making regular payments though so he gets mad props for that.  Actually, he doesn't get props because he doesn't talk to me.  Oh well.  On Jacob’s birthday, we sat outside the apartment with a gallon of ice cream and Adventure Time plates and served all the little mongrels that live there.  My friend Bill came and brought some cute gifts and Jacob had lots of fun.

Things at my grandmother’s house have gotten much easier.  Everyone gets along and if I’m not off somewhere with Jacob, I’m working in the yard or drawing on the sidewalk.  She has the prettiest gardens in the whole place.  I even scrubbed her fence and made it beaming white again.  Any doubts she had in the beginning about her decision to let us in are gone.

Me: “Wow Grandma your hair looks great! Sue did a very nice job.”

Papa: “Oooh boy. She’s complimenting Grandma’s hair. She must want something.  Ok, what is it that you want hmmm?”

Me: “Do I look like a man to you?”

Grandma: “Huh! You walked right into that one dear.” 

And that is the tone of the home, plus lots of tender moments.  Jacob loves to tease his Papa.  He will get in his chair so he gets “yelled” at.  He also likes to withhold hugs and be an all-around tease.  He steals Grandma’s pink slippers and wears them around the house.  My grandparents are very sympathetic to my situation and I am very sympathetic to theirs, which would be the woes of growing old and not being physically fit.  At all. I'm doing everything I can to make positive changes around the home, but I am worried about Jacob's attachment to my grandparents.  We won't be living here forever and he already lost his brothers.  I have such horrible attachment issues.  I don't want him to suffer like I do.

Jacob and I are planning our first vacation this month.  My mother promised to get us plane tickets to go see my sister in Massachusetts who is having a baby on the 22^nd.  Fingers crossed that mom comes through on this one. 

Jacob Fact #13: His first swear word is "aw fuck" and he uses it in the correct context like when he drops food on the floor or something.  I'm sorry, I think it's hilarious.. 

 At Nickels Arcade

  Up in a tree at Tony "Big Daddy" Marshall's funeral.

  Union Lake

  One of two bike trails we take.

  Happy Kiddo:)

Almost Twosies!

So much has happened since the last time I blogged. Life with Jacob has been a magnanimous blessing.  Every day I hope that I am doing the right thing for him.  I thank the heavens for his laugh his smiling eyes and his sense of humor.  He keeps me happy no matter what is going on in my life.  I wish I had more time to blog and brag about all of his amazing moments. In the mean time, feel free to look us up on Instagram.  I’m a lazy bitch so sue me.

MORNING_BELLL

Jacob Fact#12   He loves wearing my boots.

 Toddler selfie

 His first icicle discovery.

Peek-a-boo!

Now that Jacob is almost 15 months old, we have been finding all kinds fun things to do to keep us healthy and active.  We go to the gym a couple times a week.  I can exercise and he can have some time to play with other children.  It's pretty much the only time we ever spend apart, so it's good for us in a lot of ways.  We have also been going for bike rides every evening and once in a while a jog.  A couple weeks ago we got stuck out in the rain.  I would have stayed under the shelter of the canopy, but Jacob thought it was cool getting rained on, so we got totally drenched.  

I'm still having a difficult time feeding the boy.  He shudders, hisses and now sticks his tongue out and spits it out.  It's hilarious actually, he's so dramatic.  But, he always loves pasta, Blue Diamond cheddar and his all time favorite, yogurt.  Cheerios are all over the place and they crunch under our feet at random.  We like dipping them in peanut butter or just throwing them on the floor.

I love that I can put him down now and he walks beside me like a little prince instead of being such a fungus all the time.  He went from crawling to running with no regard for walls or furniture.  He's getting into everything now, too. He is officially a destroyer of cupboards.  He devastates my kitchen every night and hides things in other places. It's funny when I'm looking for something he walked off with and find something I didn't know was missing.  I still haven't found my keys though.. 

Every morning around 3:00 he asks to come into my bed, and I get to wake up with him by the sunlight. Sometimes, before he even opens his eyes he starts chanting my name, "Ma ma ma ma."  It's so sweet, and yes, I realize that I'm a total slave to this young man.

Jacob Fact #11: He needs extra wide shoes.

 After our rainy jog.

 At Domino Farms.

There's not much a 90 degree jog can't cure:)

 Brunch at Gratzi <3

 This dude can sleep anywhere..

Jacob at one year

This morning Jacob went for eye surgery to open his tear ducts which have been closed since he was born.  I’m happy to report that both baby and mother handled the procedure like champs.  Although, I must say, it took his sleepy ass way too long to wake up.. I was freaking out.   But when he finally did, he was like a sweet little angel. He's heavenly and I’m so blessed to have such a healthy and amazing baby.  When we got home I had a glass of wine which is a for certain nap and I needed some sleep.  Jacob walked from one toy to the other while I laid on the couch watching him with heavy eyes, totally sublime.  Before long, he was sleeping on the floor with toys piled all around him.  He’s never done that before.  It’s very different raising a baby without a partner. I can enjoy some things that I wasn’t able to enjoy and I’m missing out on some other blisses that are so precious and important.  But the only reason that I’m so utterly alone is because I’m an orphan.  I don’t have any parents, they died in a firey car crash when I was about 8 months old.  That makes Jacob a grandorphan on both sides.  His dad’s parents died in a similar manner about 3 or 4 years ago.

Jacob fact #10:  He’s the beautiful part of my everyday.

 Jacob still comes to work with me Monday through Friday.  

Jacob's first birthday cake was made by Cake Nouveau. Getting her to make it was like getting accepted into an exclusive club.  But who could pass up making an AdventureTime graffiti cake?

 Still a monster sometimes..

  Visiting with Aunt Randi.

 Happy kiddo with lots of new toys:)

The Monster

Winter is finally over!  I’m giving mad props to Mendoz Argentina for providing my most beloved Malbec that assisted me through the claustrophobia brought about by the harsh elements.  I can hardly believe that I’ve been carrying my baby with me everywhere I go for almost a year.  I’m so thin that if I had the skrilla I could totally test the limits of business slutty.  Unfortunately, I usually walk around looking like I’m donning a fat girl’s hand-me-downs. 

But anyway.. Jacob!  This is his blog!  And he has some really great news.  My handsome young master is walking!  He has six teeth and his favorite new pastime is opening and slamming cupboard doors.  He doesn’t really even get into what’s inside.  He just opens, slams closed and repeats while laughing and bouncing.  I really think he’s trying to piss off the downstairs neighbors, which warms my heart.  He is eating some table foods but is still very apprehensive and choosy.  He often shutters at the very thought of trying something solid.  But after his tiny spasm, he comes forward for a try and it’s either a win or a lose.  He’s also saying Mama and Dada which is weird because there isn’t a Dada.  But at least he is learning some consonants.  He also makes some really great monster sounds and has a "biting thing."  I have to be very careful not to let him sink his teeth into me.  It's usually out of affection but sometimes its frustration and he has drawn blood and left bruises on me..  It's kind of hair raising to even think about.  Recently we have been planning his first birthday.  I decided to do an Adventure Time theme, which is the only cartoon/TV show Jacob likes.  I've been feeling more optimistic about things in general and I’m very excited about taking Jacob for lunchtime walks downtown and exploring the parks with his big brothers.

Jacob Fact #9:  Jacob’s zodiac sign is Aries

 Edamame was a win!

 Jacob and Conor

 Tubby time with Big Boss aka Da Wolf.